Part V: Tanisha and Dick ( pun intended)

Good Morning, and I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving!  I feel like this story is never ending...so I want to wrap it up in a few more segments, and introduce some statistical information and resources that you or someone you know may find helpful.
I left off teaching my sons a lesson in racism.  Well here's a little tidbit of my own experience...
I lived below a woman I will call "Tanisha" in transitional housing.  Tanisha was an attractive woman with a seemingly "nice" personality. She had a 9 month old son and had entered the shelter and then transitional housing to escape abuse from her boyfriend.  ( I will call him "Dick".)   It would be accurate to say that any woman or man (yes, I said "man") who leaves an abusive relationship is somewhat "needy" at one point or another in the process of getting back on one's feet.  However, Tanisha was the poster child for the term.  Every five minutes I was bombarded with requests for rides, money, cigarettes, and laundry detergent.  "Can you watch my kid for a an hour?" turned into multiples of hours.   Due to my kindness and compassion for others, I  helped her as much as I could.  She started becoming a royal pain in the ass;  every five minutes she would knock at my door and ask for something.  I never asked her for gas money, or the return of a lent item, unless it was money, (which I foolishly lent her more than once, without having been paid back for the previous.)  I was becoming a doormat, and I knew it.  I quickly remembered what I had read a book a few years earlier called "Codependent No More":  It's okay to say "No".   In a program called "Al-Anon" (a twelve step program for friends and family of addicts and alcoholics)    The concept is to not do for the addict what he (or she) can do for himself."  (The "addiction" of someone like Tanisha is dependence.  Myself, being codependant, did not understand this.  I want to help everyone.  I want to fix the world, blah blah blah.)   At first I thought that this was being selfish , cold, and uncaring.  It is not.  When you find yourself "losing yourself" in efforts to help and "fix" others, it becomes a dangerous and self destructive situation.  Neglecting to get to a class or other appointment on time in order to chauffeur someone else around is just that.  I was putting my own needs aside in order to help her.  In my marriage, I spent years of "self destructive behavior" trying to "fix" my husband.  I beat my head against the wall for 5 years trying to get across to his parents  that he had a gambling/temper problem that needed to be addressed...but to no avail.  I literally drove myself insane.  Seriously.  "Nervous breakdown"  insane. "They're coming to take me away, ha haa , hee hee, ho ho"  insane, which resulted in a vacation in the looney bin, where I was entertained by people dribbling invisible basketballs and claiming to be Jesus.  Of course, my untreated, Schizophrenic husband who thinks people are in the tv tries using this against me every chance he can get, the most recent being this year when he tried to get custody of the boys.  Nice try, buddy, but no cigar.  The voices in your microwave might have said "YES" but the judge said, "NO".   Talking to my in-laws was like talking to a doorknob.  There were times when they were in the same room and saw the man put his hands on me or my son and did nothing.  I mean, really, did I need to spell it out?  Anyway... I started breaking away from Tanisha.  At first I would just not answer the door, which was useless as if the car was there, then I was there, and nobody could sleep through her "cop knock".   I'd lie and say I had something else to do. She whined, gave me the puppy dog eyes, blah , blah, blah.  "Someone give this woman an Oscar", I thought to myself).  When I started saying no flat out, she became angry. Wow, and I thought I was bad.  I lived above "Sybil"!  Twice I found my tires slashed.  (I wonder who did that???)  The shit really hit the fan when I found out that Dick, the abusive boyfriend, had moved in with her.  Now. There are rules in transitional housing.  The first one being "Your abuser is prohibited from being on the premises."  Actually there is supposed to be no contact at all, phone or otherwise.  I spent many a night with my ear glued to the floor, listening to the screaming, the fighting, and that little baby crying.  I could tell immediately that Dick was more of a psycho than my husband, and did not feel safe with him around.  I contemplated minding my own business until  I opened the door one day and saw the two of them fighting in the foyer.  Dick slammed Tanisha into the wall, and the baby, who was in her arms, fell to the floor.  Dick saw me standing there.  "What you lookin' at, you damn white bitch?"  he yelled.  I closed my door and called the police and the housing administrator.  He was arrested. Later that day she asked if it was me who called the police.  "I sure did", I said. She cursed me out, and I told her that  I came here to get away from violence, and I wasn't going to tolerate it. If she was okay with getting her ass kicked, fine, but I wasn't going to stand by and watch that baby live in danger, or have my kids exposed to it.  She called me a cop-caller and some other choice terms, and I just ignored her and went about my business.  I avoided her as much as possible after that day.  Now I must tell you that she was not the only one in the building who was breaking rules.   I broke the rule that almost everyone there did;  no male visitors after nine- o- clock pm.  I  knew that this rule, although written, was not enforced unless abuse was occurring, but I don't think Tanisha knew this, because shortly after the police incident, I started receiving phone calls from the administrator:  "We have been getting reports that you have had a male visitor on the premises past curfew."  Although my male friend did not visit every day, it just so happened that every time he did, I got a phone call.  The administrator could not tell me who called, but I knew it was Tanisha.  I could just picture her scurrying for the phone ...."It's 9:01!!!  She's got a guy in there!"  I imagined her looking through the peek hole on her door to see who was leaving the building after nine-o-clock.  I thought about disguising him as a Muslim, or dressing him in drag, but it was just easier to kick him out at nine and avoid the aggravation.  Meanwhile, my tires were being slashed on a regular basis, I "wasn't receiving" my mail or my newspaper, and I was frequently finding "spilled" food or mysterious substances and trash in front of my door...whatever.  At some time later, Dick got out of jail and was back on the scene.  Again, I heard the bullshit downstairs.  Glass was breaking and the baby was crying and screaming.  Again,  I called the police.  At this point I didn't care less if Tanisha got her ass kicked or not;  truthfully, I wanted to kick it myself.  It was that baby that concerned me.  The guy was not allowed on the premises under any circumstances, and was  arrested again.  That same night,  my friend and I were watching a movie with my youngest son and were waiting for Chinese food to be delivered.  My oldest was in a children's mental health facility at the time.  (A whole different blog)  I heard the doorbell ring and went to the window to tell the delivery guy I'd be right down, only to see Tanisha standing there. Um, she lives downstairs in the same building.  Would it not have made more sense to just come and knock on my door? (the doorbell is outside of the main entrance;  once inside, you can just knock on any door.)  I saw her shoes on the sidewalk and wondered why she was standing there with no shoes on.  She began screaming at me.  "Come outside, you fuckin' bitch,  I'm gonna fuck you up!"  Good God, I thought.  Are you freakin' kidding me?  I  laughed to myself  at the sight of her,  jumping up and down, screaming, flailing about.  Although I'd never been afraid of much, at the same time I got the feeling that I wouldn't want to run into this person in a dark alley.  I told her that I didn't have time for her Jerry Springer bullshit and sat back down on my couch.  She was still screaming at me as if I was still standing there in the window.  I ignored her.  My son, who was 3 at the time, said "Mommy, make that lady be quiet!  I can't hear!"  "Oh,"  I thought to myself,  "you have NO idea how much I would love to!"   Meanwhile, Tanisha was laying on the doorbell, nonstop.  I started getting pissed off, and went to the window and told her  "Look, my son is in here.  I don't need this right now.  If you have something to say to me I'll talk to you later!"   "Oh no," she screamed.  "You're gonna come outside right now, bitch, come down, you pussy ass bitch!"  This woman was nuttier than a fruitcake, and looked like a brick house.  I'm 5'1', and she towered over me.  I'll be honest:  I was scared.  I saw her square up and punch a 6'2" man in the face one day, and when he gently shoved her away from him, she started crying like a baby and called the cops.  Poor guy was arrested, and didn't do a damn thing wrong to her.  I knew him from the neighborhood.  (Apparently he one-nighted her and it became "Fatal Attraction".  I once told him once to watch out for his rabbit.  He laughed with me, as he "got" the reference.)  I stuck my head out of the window and told Tanisha she looked awfully funny out there in her bare feet,  jumping around.  I told her that we were grown adults that should be able to talk like civil human beings.  She kept sticking her hand in her pocket, in a suspicious looking way that I had seen somewhere before.  "If you don't come down, I'm comin' up!"  (Meanwhile, so was the Chinese food guy.)  She came storming up the steps, still screaming.  My friend and I jumped up to make sure the door was locked.  It wasn't, and she started trying to force her way in as we pushed back from the inside of the door.  (meanwhile, the Chinese food guy was being bounced around like a pinball in the hallway, shouting spurts of broken English that I could not decipher)  Other residents were coming out of their apartments to rubberneck.   A crowd gathered outside of the building.  Most were yelling "Leave that lil' white girl alone!"  Tanisha's posse was egging her on to whoop my ass.  I heard someone say "Don't do it, Tanisha!  It's not worth it!"  I kept thinking about her hand in her pocket.   A few years before,  my family had been held up at gunpoint by three men in Salem, OR.  My PTSD kicked in at the sight of the "hand in the pocket" movements.  Came to find out he (the guy in Oregon) had a knife. The other locked the house door and the third stuck a pump action shotgun in my face. That memory scared the hell out of me, but it also made me more mad.  My blood was boiling, and I was worried about my son.  Those three men didn't care about my kids being there, so why would she?  We kept pushing on the door, and finally got it all the way closed. Sudden it got  quiet, and the pushing from the other side stopped.  I'd like to say that I immediately locked the door, but I didn't.  I looked out the peek hole, and didn't see her. I became the idiot character that I yell at during movies who thinks that the predator has gone away, and opened the door.  (kick me)  She busted into my home, full force, nearly knocking me over.  I ran over to the counter and picked up a big knife, and, pointing it in her direction, said,  "If you come any closer, I'm gonna fuck you up!  Now get the fuck out of my house!" It got quiet.  She stood there, looked at me for a few seconds, turned around, and left.  The Chinese guy was still in the hallway, so I got my food, went inside, and sat down to eat with my friend and my son.  No sooner did I take one bite did I hear a "cop knock".  Thinking it was her again, I screamed "Go away, I'm busy!"  Then I heard a man's voice:  "Police department!  Open the door!"   Shit...

Part IV: Boyz in Da Hood

I was raised in a middle/upper class neighborhood where poverty did not exist.  Things like welfare, food stamps, and housing assistance were unfamiliar to me.  Unnecessary.  Beneath me.  My parents worked, I worked, and everyone I knew worked.   This all changed when I realized that I was on my own with two small boys who needed to eat and get medical attention while hiding from the ex and his psychotic ex-policeman father.  It was suggested that I apply for assistance immediately, so I did.  I received $400 a month in cash and $300 in food stamps.  I was placed in "transitional housing", where I would live for a year.   Not to sound ungrateful, but when they sent me to look at the apartment, I was immediately pissed off as soon as I got out of the minivan that my parents had lent me during this time as (prior to that we were using SEPTA to get around which did not fare well with my son who has autism.)   I was in the  middle of one of the "harder" neighborhoods in South Philly.  I had lived in some pretty bad neighborhoods back in the eighties when I was living with my Aunt and others in South Philly, and then on my own years later, but those were either Italian, Irish, or mixed neighborhoods.  This neighborhood was a hardcore, old school, all black neighborhood. The kind of neighborhood the college kids from Jersey came to to buy certain party supplies back in the day. What some might call "the hood".  I was a little intimidated after a guy on a bicycle rode past me and asked me if I was "working".  In my naiivity, I answered him:  "No, not right now..."  Suddenly I realized what he meant, and kept on walking, ignoring him.  I had been on my own since high school, so I was pretty street-smart, but still somewhat intimidated. I also tried to see the good in everyone.  Now, transitional housing is  designed to help single mothers who either had no work background, were educated but displaced, (that was my label).  The program offered low cost rent and utilities for the women, with many rules and regulations, certain educational or occupational things put into place, and nental health treatment.  You were interviewed, checked out, and had to be accepted.  Now, you won't find many of these places in "nice" neighborhoods ,because other residents don't want them there.  Same thing with low income housing such as Section 8 and HUD.  I hate to say it, but people are very, very judgmental.  However, there are some legitimate reasons for people feeling this way;  The statistics of drugs and crime in some of these places speak for themselves.  Not many people are packing glocks on the streets of Nether Providence or Glen Mills. Nobody is drinking Colt 45 out of a bag on the corner in Strath Haven. (Suburbia has country clubs and Xanax, don't get it twisted.  They just hide their evil deeds a little bit better).

  Anyway, I was immediately accepted into the graduate program at Alvernia University, and began classes. I hated the fact that I was on food stamps, and was ashamed to be seen on line at the grocery store.  To me it was embarrassing.  I have heard many people turn their nose up and say things like "Oh, there's no excuse.  You should have just gotten a job and paid for sitters"  or "You should have stayed with your family".  #1. I was being hunted down by a psycho killer who would have found me at any job.  (Unlike the ex, who works "under the table" for his family business, who claims they haven't seen him in years).  #2.  My parents live in an over 65 senior citizen oasis where children are not allowed.  And #3.  Don't judge me based on your ignorance.  For people like me, welfare was a "step up", not a "hand out".  And I only used it temporarily while attending part time mental health treatment.  My kids and I ate at soup kitchens, churches, and parks.  Some of the neighbors made plates for us and introduced us to "soul" food. I learned very quickly to be humble, and learned a lot about the ghetto culture.  I made a few friends and some of the housing residents used to laugh and laugh at my "whiteness." (But not in a prejudiced way!) 

All went well for a while, until one day my 4 year old called me into his room and said "Mommy!  those kids are throwing rocks at my window!" I looked outside and saw four African American kids who looked about eight to ten years old.  They were, indeed, throwing rocks at his window.  I screamed out the window "If you throw one more rock at this window, you're going to jail because I'm calling the police!" One of the boys looked at me and said,  "You're the one who's going to jail!"   Wait.  Wut?  "Why am I going to jail?"  I asked.  "Because you're white!"  He replied.  I felt the adrenalin rising inside of me and fought off the urge to scream obscenities.  Instead, I took my boys by the hand and went outside.  I saw one of the boys grab a nerf football from my yard, but he didn't see me.  I politely asked them to "Come here for a minute."  They did.  I asked the "ringleader"  "Have you ever cut your finger?"  "Yeah", he replied.  "What color was your blood?" I asked.  "Red!"  he replied.  I then turned and asked my sons the same questions, and they, of course , gave the same answers.  "What's that supposed to mean?"  asked one of the boys in the rock throwing group.  "It means we're all the same, ya big dummy!"  said the ringleader, smiling.  This was my sons first lesson in racism, what it is, and what it wasn't, and that it would not be tolerated in or out of my home. I glared at the rock throwers with a sarcastic sort of smile.  "We gotta go",  said one of them.  "Wait a second.  Where did you get that football?"  I asked.  "I uh, found it, around the block."  "Nice try," I replied.  "Now give me the football."  He gave it to me .  One of them muttered something about his mother coming over to kick my ass, but the other 3 smiled at me, said thanks, said "See ya", and went home.  His mother never did come over to kick my ass, but someone else did, and it wasn't my husband.  That rock throwing child must have been a psychic, because I did go to jail.  

Until next time...Have a great day! :)